My Worst Day

It's been forever since I posted anything - especially remotely related to running, so please bare with me on this post as well. I don't even know if anyone will read this, but it is more for me at this point anyway.
As you may know, I announced back in March that we were expecting. As the date came closer, I became consumed with projects that needed to be finished up around the house before the birth. It became increasingly more difficult in the last 4-5 weeks as my wife was in and out of the hospital because "things" didn't look great - they weren't awful, but not where doctors wanted things to be. In late July, my wife was hospitalized for 3 days for monitoring, only to be released, no delivery - this was at 33 1/2 weeks. Doctors didn't want to deliver too soon unless it was too dangerous for baby in womb. More tests and ultrasounds every other day, though sometimes twice in the same day, and similar results. Lots of concern on our end, because doctors were concerned, but not really acting on those concerns.
Two weeks ago, I thought we were actually going to deliver, but once again we got sent home. A consulting doctor didn't want to deliver at 35 weeks because of concern of lung development - even though my wife was given steroids a week and a half prior for just that. So another doctor appointment on Monday, once again similar results, then an amniocenteses was done on Tuesday morning to actually check lung development. Results came back towards end of day -- surprise! the lungs were 100% developed. So She was scheduled to come in that night to be induced. We arrived at the hospital at 5:30, where my wife felt a big movement while waiting to be taken up to room. Fifteen minutes later, nurses were putting the doppler monitor on her, but could not find a heart beat. After 3 different ultrasound machines were used, it was determined that our little boy had died in utero.
Instant shock and devastation set in. We were horrified. How?! Why?!
In trying to cope with all of this I have lost my way. I am working so hard to keep things together. A huge outpouring of love and support from family and friends is helping. My wife and I talk about our feelings to one another, and we still have our beautiful little girl who needs us and is also helping us get through this.
But yet my grief and sorrow and stress is still here. I feel helpless at times. I need to feel "normal" again, yet it feels selfish. I want to run. I NEED to run. But I can't seem to find the desire to get out the door and I think if I could run, it would help with a lot of things, though not solve them.
They say time will heal all things. I don't know how long it will be, but I do know that I will eventually get back to running and I will be running a race in my son's name... Everett Eric.

20 years

The purpose of getting back to blogging was to give me incentive to continue running, but unfortunately it isn't happening with any regularity. I squeeze a run in about once a week, though sometimes two weeks goes by and I realize I haven't gotten out.
There are a lot of factors contributing to missing runs - lack of sleep. I've been plague with some sort of insomnia for awhile - though this could be a bit of a chicken and egg thing - I'd sleep better if I got out for regular runs. Some of it is my little girl does not sleep well at night and I have to tuck her back in and make sure she's asleep before I can go.
Then there's the long list of projects that need to get done before kid #2 arrives. And I hope he doesn't show up early like his sister.
And finally, lack of motivation. This is tied to the other two I'm sure, but I can't seem to get motivated to get out the door. I suppose I could go out right now, but I've been awake since 3:30 am and I am exhausted, but my brain isn't letting me go back to sleep just yet. So I thought I'd get my thoughts out.
My 20 year high school reunion was this past weekend, back in Jamestown, New York. I missed it and my 10 year reunion for good reasons - 10 years ago we had just got married and were moving into out new house that very weekend. This time around, there were a few reasons - money, time and the fact that there is too much potential for Steph to deliver early.
I had thought after my 10 year came and went that I'd be over the whole reunion thing. After all, it was high school and I've moved on. I've lived my life always looking forward, only taking quick glances back. I don't dwell on the past, because you can't change the past, only learn from it (hopefully). I realized though, that I miss some of my friends. Some of whom I have not seen since graduation -- a supposed huge milestone our my lives. I am sure I had heard about some of them over the years, some I even saw for the first couple of summers since I was still in town going to community college. But once I left for college, Jamestown was no longer a place I wanted to be.
I was struggling as to why I am having this sudden nostalgic look back and I think I just realized that those 4 years were part of developing who I am (not entirely mind you). I honestly think I am a very different person from who I was back then - hopefully less awkward, more confident and certainly healthier.
I caught up with a high school friend 4 years ago and I was amazed that those last 16 years seemed like they never happened. We picked up almost were we left off, though having very different lives. And it was so great to be face to face. Over the past year or two I've gotten back in touch with quite a few friends via Facebook and it's been great to read what they've been up to and what they are doing now, but there is something lacking. Having that face to face time would mean so much more. And I think I would have had a great time seeing my old friends again. I hope that I don't have to wait another 10 years to see them, but I suspect 10 years will be here before you know it.
A final thought: I guess I need to relive my past just a little bit - just to remind me where I've come from if nothing else. I am not unhappy with my life by any means nor do I think I am old and feel the need to relive my youth. Life is just so short and friends come and go so fast that any chance to reconnect is a great thing. Besides, I have so few friends that I hate to lose any more. What's the line from"It's A Wonderful Life"?  --

"No man is a failure who has friends"

I did it

Finally got in a run - albeit inside on a treadmill, but put it on the hill routine for some added work. feel good.

Did I speak too soon?

My intentions were good. I had hoped that I would have gotten a couple of runs under the belt and made a start at getting back to a routine. Unfortunately, not yet. Another weekend unrealized for running, but we did get Lilli's big-girl room completed.
So today at lunch I am going to the gym and getting in a run and maybe some lifting. I'd prefer to run outside, but the treadmill will save some time I think... and it is all about time these days.
I wanted to spruce up the old blog, but that will have to wait until. But hopefully there will be some running blogs showing up soon... stay tuned.

Never say never

Don't call this a comeback, but I think I am coming back to the blogging scene.

A quick catch up for anyone who may read this...

Running has not been gong well this year so far. I've had some great runs early on, but the last few weeks I have stumbled... no races in the near future, but wanting to get out and run - just lacking motivation and tired. So I am hoping by blogging, it will motivate me to get out there. After all, how many time can one blog about NOT running?

We have our second child on the way... it is a boy! Should be hear end of August or beginning of September. So I have been quite busy with Lilli's "big girl room" among many other projects (weeding, planting, mulching, painting, plus need to put up a fence which I still need to send in for approval form neighborhood...) the list is endless and quite daunting.

So that's kind of where I am. I'll revamp the blog when I have time, but for now happy to be back.