A Father's Grief: Moving Forward

2010 has been my worst year ever, but in some ways my best. I am looking forward to starting anew, but its not like the movie Groundhog Day where I can start all over and change what happened. 2010 happened and it has changed me. But I am moving forward -- and that's not the same as moving on. The holidays have been so bittersweet. I can't help but think of what we would be doing with Everett right now, and thinking about what we would be doing as we go from winter into spring. It saddens me (and there is still some anger over it too). In that mix is our beautiful daughter Lilli - whose eyes twinkle looking at Christmas lights, new fallen snow and colorfully wrapped presents. That look in her eyes -- youthful innocence -- warms my heart and allows me to enjoy a bit of Christmas this year. We are so lucky to have her.

I'll go into the new year inspired to run and to help plan out a race in Everett's name. I am hoping to run a couple of half marathons and at least one full marathon in 2011 as well. Of course, I have projects to do - some are holdovers from this year, but 2011 will be a year of positive changes in all aspects. I am coming out of 2010 with the philosophy of "take nothing for granted" and it's great to say those words, but to truly live by them is another.

The days are getting longer...

With the holiday season in full force, time is a precious commodity. So running has been difficult to say the least. I've managed a couple of runs last week and two so far this week. The goal is to get a couple of more -- maybe even a Christmas day run.

And with Christmas almost hear, that means our deadline to determine 3 things for the Race 4 Everett: When, Where and What. So, I think we've determined that it will be on Saturday, August, 20, 2011 at Fort Harrison State Park. What the race will be is still a little up in the air... For sure it will be a 5k and 1 mile family walk, but we are toying with idea of a 10k and 15k (basically a 5k loop course). The details are still not ironed out - and I never thought it would be so difficult to make decisions on something, but we do want it to be successful. So we will update the Race 4 Everett site once we lock it all in, so stay tuned...

Thankfully we've passed the shortest day of daylight for the year and it is all longer days from here on out. Now hopefully that translates into getting more done (wishful thinking).

Baby It's Freakin' Cold Outside

Just over a week ago, I was running in 80 degree weather while in Florida. Granted, it was not a great run, but it was nice to not be burdened by a bunch of gear. This morning is a polar opposite - figurative and literally.

I began my run with the mercury dipping down to 9 degrees. I didn't confirm anything else - cold it cold, right?

Wrong.

In the short time I was out, it dropped another 2 degrees and I found out the windchill was minus 9 degrees. No wonder my fingers went numb in the 3 seconds that I exposed them to fumble with my ipod.

The good news is I made it through. Now let's try for some consistency in running - I've just proven weather is not a factor.

A Whole Lot of Miles

After much discussion, this year for Thanksgiving we decided to go to my older sister's house in Florida. My parents and younger sister and her 3 daughters were already going, so we thought it would be a nice way to spend Thanksgiving. My schedule was not as cooperative as I had hoped, but we did manage to leave "somewhat" early on Tuesday morning. Oh how I wish we would have left Monday - any time, even late, but I didn't get a chance to pack or get anything ready, plus I had obligations pretty much all day Monday.

So, 4:30 am on Tuesday I am up and getting ready, getting the car packed, basically running around in no orderly fashion. By 6:00 am we are on the road. By 6:15am I am putting on a movie for a little girl who will not go back to sleep. The drive down went fairly well for most of it, though there seemed to be a perpetual cloud overhead the entire way down. We stopped at a Cracker Barrel in Kentucky just to walk around, then back on the road. In Chattanooga, we ran into some traffic, but nothing terrible. It really wasn't until we hit Atlanta around 4:00pm that we hit any major traffic, and by that time it was raining and getting dark and people were driving extra crazy.

Once we got through Atlanta, it was smooth sailing, but still rainy and dark. We arrived in Warner Robins, Georgia and met my sister so we could get on base (her husband is in the Air Force). We finally arrived at our destination, just an hour later than expected.

The next day, we headed for Florida, but we didn't get on the road until close to 10am. It was only a 6 - 7 hour drive, so we thought it would be okay.

Nope.

It started out okay, but by the time we hit Ocala, Florida on 75, it was a traffic nightmare. After several miles of backup and stop and go, we decided to jump off and follow a route parallel - at least we were moving. We eventually jumped back onto 75, but probably later than we should. We eventually arrived, but once again, later than anticipated - by about 2 hours this time.

I actually packed running clothes and got out for a run Wednesday morning on base. Then had plans for a nice long run on Thursday before dinner, but I was exhausted. Friday though, I got out and ran in the humidity - ugh. It was not a good run by any means. After that it was more driving (and more of the same traffic) back to Georgia, then back to Indiana from there. Traffic was actually at its worst on Sunday night and we did not arrive home until 10:30pm. 1300+ miles of driving and about 7-8 miles running...

But we had a great time at the beaches.

Being A Dad

I can't think of a more wonder thing to be than a Dad. Sure, there are times when you get frustrated with your child, but all that is erased when they laugh or hug you.

Reflecting on just the last few days sums it all up. The other night Lilli helped me make banana nut bread. She went and got her trusty step stool and was standing at the counter helped mix it all up. She loves to help out in the kitchen.

Saturday was a family Thanksgiving Party and she was having so much fun running around, giggling with her cousins (needless to say she fell asleep in 6 seconds flat that night).

Yesterday, she was a big help with raking leaves (in her own way of course). She wanted to help, so she got her Little Tikes shovels and used them as rakes (quite creative). Unfortunately she raked away from the pile, but its the thought that counts. Then when we were picking up leaves to put in the bag, she would spread it out on the lawn instead - "to help the grass grow" she said - hard to argue with that.

Then last night we got her suitcase and backpack out to get her ready for our trip to Florida. She actually started folding her clothes and placing them in the suitcase! With some additional help from Mom, it got packed. Then Lilli filled her back pack up with dolls and toys then proceeded to walk around the house with back pack on, pulling the suitcase behind saying that she was ready to go, even though we aren't leaving for a couple of more days.

Moments like these make being a Dad such a wonderful experience. These are the memories I'll have to remember the rest of my life.

The First Meeting

I met with some friends today who happen to organize races. I walked away a little overwhelmed, but they've broken it down into some easy to manage steps. The first step to making this race a reality and the hardest part, is to determine the race type/size, exact date and location - by Christmas. Once that's decided, then it will  be time to make the next round of decisions - i.e. how much do we want to take on ourselves, etc.

We want this to be successful and we want it to raise a lot of money and awareness and not to mention grow it each year. We need to think about potential sponsors, set up a timetable to make decisions and get things done. It sounds like there are a lot of companies that will donate supplies, etc. to not for profit organizations, so that will be important to get those contacts.

Other items to figure out - Race name, T-shirt design, banners, advertising? and many, many more things...

Stay tuned...

Locked IN

My house is plotting against me.

Really.

Just when I think I am free and clear of any projects, something comes up. Installing a sliding screen to the back door? Oh, well the threshold is rotten and so is some of the surrounding trim and not sure if there is any water intrusion... Gotta paint the trim? No problem, except that some if it is rotten too and needs replaced.

Yesterday morning was a little different though. I actually got up early to go for a run. I got dressed, I quietly made my way through the house, making sure I didn't wake anyone up. Got to the door, unlocked it and I still couldn't open the door. I tried locking and unlocking it again, but the knob would not turn! I thought about just leaving it and dealing with it later, but I feared the worst - a fire could break out and everyone could get trapped because the door wouldn't open -- granted there were 2 other doors, but it could happen. So I grabbed a screwdriver and pulled the knob off the inside and pushed it out on the other. I tried pulling the latch mechanism open, but it would not budge. So I went out the front door, got into the garage, got a bigger screwdriver and then came in and pried the latch open. Now I had a door with no knob that would not latch. What to do?

I thought quickly.

It was 6:30 am.

What is open at that time of morning? Lowe's wouldn't be open for another half hour and I had to still get ready for work. Walmart is the closest store and it was open. Wasn't sure if they'd have anything, but had to try. I hopped in my car and went in and, low and behold, I found want I needed! I got back home and found Steph and Lilli awake. They had no idea what had happened - they thought I had gone to work already.  I pulled the lock-set out of the box and then had to mortise int he new latch mechanism. 20 minutes later, the new knob was installed, and surprisingly it was much better than the low grade knob the builder installed in this house! Now I might replace all the exterior knobs... another project to add to the list. But before I start on that, I hope to get a run in!

a quick 5 miles at sunset

After a busy weekend, I was able to break away for a quick 5 mile run. The temperature was perfect and the sunset was just starting to set, but I felt awful... yet somehow I pulled out an 8:33/mile average. Running seems to be going well this week, so we'll see how it goes. I'd like to keep building on the recent "successes" I've been having. My pace has all been sub 9:00's this week, which has been great. Just need to keep that up as I stretch out the mileage from here on out.

the run that almost didn't happen

After a week of almost no running, I was determined to start the week (and month) off with a run. It didn't begin well this morning when the alarm went off and I could not get out of bed, but plan 'b' was enacted and I packed my clothes and took them to work with me with plans to run at lunch time.
It was a busy morning - one meeting after another and I had a million things to do today, so I almost caved and didn't go for a run, but at the last minute I got out of my chair and walked out of the office, deciding that my run was every bit as important as work. And you know what? It is. I mean, the week I didn't run I was miserable. I did not sleep well, I was stressed and felt uninspired. So what I really needed was a good, hard run. So I headed to the gym in the office park, got on the "dreadmill" and hammered out almost 4 miles on a hill routine. I ran until I was tired, then ran some more. It felt so good when I was done.

all time low

My running has been anything but consistent the past year. I think I am at an all time low on my annual mileage, which in turn has me in a funk still. Work is keeping me too busy and I keep thinking of all the projects I have not finished or even started yet at home. I definitely put too much on my plate this year. With only one more potential somewhat long race for the year (a 15k trail race in November) I am hoping to gain some momentum as we head into the winter months. I actually love running in snow, so I hope it is a snowy winter.
Now, to set my sights on a spring race... would like to run another marathon, and I think training through the winter would be different. Maybe Flying Pig Marathon? Maybe just running the DINO trail run series... choices, choices. Need to decide soon, so I can start training. Feel I need to get that consistency back again.

Moving Forward

Life goes on...

Well, yeah, it does, doesn't it? Even when we don't want it to right away. So, after 2 months, my running is getting back to a routine - something I needed for sure. A trip out to Arizona turned out to be almost a bust when it came to running. I packed both road and trail shoes, had gear for all elements, but eked out only two short runs (though it was at high altitude and on hills). Needless to say, my hopes of getting back out on the trails there were never realized.
The week after we got back did not offer much hope of my running coming back, but this week I hope I have turned a corner. I have inspiration again. My wife and I have decided to organize a race next August in memory of Everett, with all proceeds going to a charity that deals with stillbirth. I'm excited and a little nervous to take this on, but I think it will be a positive thing that we can have each year.
Now I just need to figure out how to organize this...

My Worst Day

It's been forever since I posted anything - especially remotely related to running, so please bare with me on this post as well. I don't even know if anyone will read this, but it is more for me at this point anyway.
As you may know, I announced back in March that we were expecting. As the date came closer, I became consumed with projects that needed to be finished up around the house before the birth. It became increasingly more difficult in the last 4-5 weeks as my wife was in and out of the hospital because "things" didn't look great - they weren't awful, but not where doctors wanted things to be. In late July, my wife was hospitalized for 3 days for monitoring, only to be released, no delivery - this was at 33 1/2 weeks. Doctors didn't want to deliver too soon unless it was too dangerous for baby in womb. More tests and ultrasounds every other day, though sometimes twice in the same day, and similar results. Lots of concern on our end, because doctors were concerned, but not really acting on those concerns.
Two weeks ago, I thought we were actually going to deliver, but once again we got sent home. A consulting doctor didn't want to deliver at 35 weeks because of concern of lung development - even though my wife was given steroids a week and a half prior for just that. So another doctor appointment on Monday, once again similar results, then an amniocenteses was done on Tuesday morning to actually check lung development. Results came back towards end of day -- surprise! the lungs were 100% developed. So She was scheduled to come in that night to be induced. We arrived at the hospital at 5:30, where my wife felt a big movement while waiting to be taken up to room. Fifteen minutes later, nurses were putting the doppler monitor on her, but could not find a heart beat. After 3 different ultrasound machines were used, it was determined that our little boy had died in utero.
Instant shock and devastation set in. We were horrified. How?! Why?!
In trying to cope with all of this I have lost my way. I am working so hard to keep things together. A huge outpouring of love and support from family and friends is helping. My wife and I talk about our feelings to one another, and we still have our beautiful little girl who needs us and is also helping us get through this.
But yet my grief and sorrow and stress is still here. I feel helpless at times. I need to feel "normal" again, yet it feels selfish. I want to run. I NEED to run. But I can't seem to find the desire to get out the door and I think if I could run, it would help with a lot of things, though not solve them.
They say time will heal all things. I don't know how long it will be, but I do know that I will eventually get back to running and I will be running a race in my son's name... Everett Eric.

20 years

The purpose of getting back to blogging was to give me incentive to continue running, but unfortunately it isn't happening with any regularity. I squeeze a run in about once a week, though sometimes two weeks goes by and I realize I haven't gotten out.
There are a lot of factors contributing to missing runs - lack of sleep. I've been plague with some sort of insomnia for awhile - though this could be a bit of a chicken and egg thing - I'd sleep better if I got out for regular runs. Some of it is my little girl does not sleep well at night and I have to tuck her back in and make sure she's asleep before I can go.
Then there's the long list of projects that need to get done before kid #2 arrives. And I hope he doesn't show up early like his sister.
And finally, lack of motivation. This is tied to the other two I'm sure, but I can't seem to get motivated to get out the door. I suppose I could go out right now, but I've been awake since 3:30 am and I am exhausted, but my brain isn't letting me go back to sleep just yet. So I thought I'd get my thoughts out.
My 20 year high school reunion was this past weekend, back in Jamestown, New York. I missed it and my 10 year reunion for good reasons - 10 years ago we had just got married and were moving into out new house that very weekend. This time around, there were a few reasons - money, time and the fact that there is too much potential for Steph to deliver early.
I had thought after my 10 year came and went that I'd be over the whole reunion thing. After all, it was high school and I've moved on. I've lived my life always looking forward, only taking quick glances back. I don't dwell on the past, because you can't change the past, only learn from it (hopefully). I realized though, that I miss some of my friends. Some of whom I have not seen since graduation -- a supposed huge milestone our my lives. I am sure I had heard about some of them over the years, some I even saw for the first couple of summers since I was still in town going to community college. But once I left for college, Jamestown was no longer a place I wanted to be.
I was struggling as to why I am having this sudden nostalgic look back and I think I just realized that those 4 years were part of developing who I am (not entirely mind you). I honestly think I am a very different person from who I was back then - hopefully less awkward, more confident and certainly healthier.
I caught up with a high school friend 4 years ago and I was amazed that those last 16 years seemed like they never happened. We picked up almost were we left off, though having very different lives. And it was so great to be face to face. Over the past year or two I've gotten back in touch with quite a few friends via Facebook and it's been great to read what they've been up to and what they are doing now, but there is something lacking. Having that face to face time would mean so much more. And I think I would have had a great time seeing my old friends again. I hope that I don't have to wait another 10 years to see them, but I suspect 10 years will be here before you know it.
A final thought: I guess I need to relive my past just a little bit - just to remind me where I've come from if nothing else. I am not unhappy with my life by any means nor do I think I am old and feel the need to relive my youth. Life is just so short and friends come and go so fast that any chance to reconnect is a great thing. Besides, I have so few friends that I hate to lose any more. What's the line from"It's A Wonderful Life"?  --

"No man is a failure who has friends"

I did it

Finally got in a run - albeit inside on a treadmill, but put it on the hill routine for some added work. feel good.

Did I speak too soon?

My intentions were good. I had hoped that I would have gotten a couple of runs under the belt and made a start at getting back to a routine. Unfortunately, not yet. Another weekend unrealized for running, but we did get Lilli's big-girl room completed.
So today at lunch I am going to the gym and getting in a run and maybe some lifting. I'd prefer to run outside, but the treadmill will save some time I think... and it is all about time these days.
I wanted to spruce up the old blog, but that will have to wait until. But hopefully there will be some running blogs showing up soon... stay tuned.

Never say never

Don't call this a comeback, but I think I am coming back to the blogging scene.

A quick catch up for anyone who may read this...

Running has not been gong well this year so far. I've had some great runs early on, but the last few weeks I have stumbled... no races in the near future, but wanting to get out and run - just lacking motivation and tired. So I am hoping by blogging, it will motivate me to get out there. After all, how many time can one blog about NOT running?

We have our second child on the way... it is a boy! Should be hear end of August or beginning of September. So I have been quite busy with Lilli's "big girl room" among many other projects (weeding, planting, mulching, painting, plus need to put up a fence which I still need to send in for approval form neighborhood...) the list is endless and quite daunting.

So that's kind of where I am. I'll revamp the blog when I have time, but for now happy to be back.