a long look back and a peek forward

Well, here we are. The end of 2011.

A year that was supposed to be a rebuilding year for me -- physically, mentally and spiritually.

The year started out slowly, but I had a marathon in my mind and was hoping for a great running year. When I barely got a spring half marathon in (with poor training mind you) I was a little hesitant to declare a fall marathon, but still had hopes of training.

Between work and putting together the Inaugural Run 4 Everett, my time was quite divided. I got runs in when I could, but I never got past 10 milers all summer. I thought I would "settle" for a half, but even that proved to be too much for me. I don't recall when I pulled the plug on running a race this year, but it was best that I did.

Somewhere between when I was a little kid and now I became "intense". Some might even say uptight. I think it was in high school or college. The stress of finding a college to go to or the constant, crazy deadlines in college played a big part. I used to think of myself as laid back, but I am finding that I get worked up over things that our out of my control. I do not feel like myself anymore. I am probably in the worst shape of my entire life (or it sure feels that way) and I've hit bottom. Now I've got to claw my way up. I've got a long way to go. I'll have to start over with my running for one.

I've got a start at getting some things back in order, but 2012 will be a true rebuilding year for me. I don't know everything that next year has in store for me, but one thing for sure is it will be a year of change for the good. I'll get in more detail in my first post of 2012 -- fair warning.

Thanks to whoever has read this blog. I am hoping that I'll have a lot more to say in the coming year. I can't say it will all be happy and positive, after all it's a work in progress, but there will be progress. Until next year, keep  on running. I hope to be back to it very soon.

--Dave

P.S. I would be remiss if I didn't say how proud I am that my wife and I (along with many family members and friends) successfully pulled together the Inaugural Run 4 Everett. I think it may have been one of the biggest highlights of the year (only second to finding out that we are expecting our 3rd child -- on Everett's 1st Birthday no less). Next year may not be any easier, and I feel a little behind on getting the planning going, but we will make it work somehow and it will be even better.

back to running

This morning I ran.

I actually felt I had to run. More importantly I actually felt like I wanted to run.

Yesterday I realized that I am probably in the worst shape I've been in since I began running.

Something that scared me and depressed me a little.

My attempt to make some changes this year and train for a marathon just wasn't enough. If anything had to give during this busy summer, it was my running. The good thing is it is my favorite time of year for running, so I think it will help keep me moving forward and be consistent.Do I need a race goal? Not sure. I haven't really run a race trained for a race in quite some time. Even the half marathon I ran in May was barely trained for.

I am giving myself 6 months to turn things around and get back in shape and a full 12 months to get ready for a yet to be determined race for my 40th birthday. I don't want to be an old fat guy who talks about what he used to do...

time to make some changes.

LOST: My Running Mojo

I am not sure what happened, but I feel burned out. My running went from on track, to derailed, to back on track, to run out of steam. My goal of a marathon this year is about dashed - with only one hope left -- a December Marathon.

In trying to figure out what went wrong, I came to the conclusion: It doesn't matter. The fact of the matter is I am not running. I have a desire to (especially when the temperatures drop like they did this weekend), but yet I did not feel compelled to get out. It was much too easy to do other things (of which I have plenty to do). I think if all the "other stuff" were done, I'd feel like I could go out for a run. Problem is, it's a never ending list of stuff, so I need to break this cycle.

Here it is September already. The summer was a blur -- very busy at work, very busy with the race plans, trying to keep on top of all things and somewhere in there I did run (not always with great consistency, but I ran nonetheless). Now is the time to renew my bond with the trails and prepare for the fall running season. I just need to find time, er, I mean make some time.

My 39th birthday is less than 2 weeks away... 39. Wow. I have a year left to celebrate my 30's. I will want to celebrate it with something big at the end... perhaps a marathon? 

Only time will tell.

A moment to reflect...

As I sit here typing this, I still cannot believe it is August, and just 2 days away from the Inaugural Run 4 Everett. The event was born out of a need to do "something", out of a sense of helplessness on my part I suppose. We wanted to memorialize our little boy with an event, but also raise awareness and educate the masses. The race seemed like the right venue for what we wanted.

In the past 9 months +/- it has been tough, stressful, emotional, healing, uplifting, exciting and scary all rolled into one. To know we have put together an event that so far has far exceeded our expectations (373 participants as I type) is amazing. Now, I know we still have to hold the event, but in my mind's eye, it will be a fun event for all, and it will not only be a great race for runners and walkers, but for families who have experienced a loss as well.

I was thinking about how running ties so well into all of this. Running is a social sport - it truly is. I know of no other sport where, for whatever reason, you open up and share more than you would otherwise. But it also allows you to be by yourself and your thoughts too. I am sure I have mentioned it before, but it is worth repeating, running helped me work through my grief in so many ways. And I have heard of another father who took up running and channeled his grief as well - he truly understands where I am coming from.

So the next two days will be busy (an understatement for sure), but we are having fun. We got 300 bags stuffed yesterday. We had help from family and friends in the morning. Then in the evening it was a true family affair. Lilli was so excited to help. We had an assembly line formed. She dropped in pens and a bracelet, I did cards and magnets and Steph was putting in flyers.

Packet pick-up on Friday, plus setting up some of the race course that evening, then all hands on deck Saturday morning to get things finalized.

I'm pretty excited...

My morning run with my little boy

This morning, not unlike most mornings for almost the past year, I went for a run. I have a ritual of sorts that I go through.  I step outside and always look up to the celestial heavens and find the brightest star. For me, that is Everett looking down on me.

I feel a sense of comfort in this. And no matter how cloudy it is, I seem to always find a star.

It is a tough day today, as a year ago today was when our world turned upside down. This morning, there seemed to be a brighter star than normal - almost like Everett was telling me how proud he is of us for what we have done the past year.

And I will admit, I cried a couple of times while I ran. I still miss him very much. I wish he was really here with me, riding in the jog stroller just like his sister... in my hopes and dreams he did all of that and more before he was even born, which is why it still hurts a year later.

Tomorrow is Everett's 1st Birthday. We will be celebrating it by visiting the cemetary, a small birthday cake to name a couple of things, and I will be going for another early morning run with him.